Not much to say today

Sorry guys, little subdued after yesterday! I went to a crafting get together in the evening. The talk turned to babies and pregnancy at a certain point (lots of mamas there!). I had to stay quiet. It's the first time I think I have ever associated those words with sadness. 

Where Words Fail

I have written what will follow a number of times already, but I do not find that it is getting easier. The words do not come more easily. The pain is not diminished. The words remain themselves so painfully inadequate to the task.

We are blessed to count two of the most amazing, caring, thoughtful, and clever people you could ever hope to meet as our friends. I have alluded to our dear friends O and W on this blog on any number of times. They are the kind of friends in the expat community who  fill the gap of missing family. They have been there for us at every milestone, every important moment in our lives since we met. They had an incredible opportunity which brought them back to their home country of South Africa. Soon thereafter were expecting their first child - a boy! We were overjoyed that we would have the chance to share the experience of new parenthood with our dear friends.

At their last scan the doctor saw there might be something wrong with the little boy's digestive system. It required intervention and so their beautiful boy E was born a week early last Tuesday, May 15th.

What they discovered was that the stomach problem was just one effect of a much more serious genetic disorder. E had Trisomy 18. It is caused when one copy too many is made of a chromosome during gene reproduction.It is is not hereditary. In the dance of life, sometimes things go wrong.

In addition to the digestive system, E had terrible problems with his heart and breathing. He battled on so bravely and hard. Such a strength against such obstacles! On  Friday afternoon May 18th however,  after a tremendous fight, he passed away.

We will have to meet E through the loving memories of his parents. We will have to make do with this. Our little one will never get to grow up with E. In this way and countless others, we will always miss him and honor his memory. He will always be our friends' dear little boy, their firstborn, always beloved by us for this. The world feels a little grayer that we will have to carry on with just this.

My heart goes out to our dear friends O and W today especially, as they will lay their dear sweet boy to rest before most of you in the US are reading this . I wish desperately I was there in South Africa to be there for them. They are in a place most of us will never know now. In our modern lives we are all such strangers to grief. I wish I could be there to be a shoulder to lean against. To protect them from anyone ignorant or insensitive when they are confronted by something they do not understand. Instead I am writing these hopelessly inadequate words.

HAH!

I am definitely not a desperately miserable creature, and I'm glad a bit of science came out there to confirm it. The summary of their findings (parenting makes you happier) seems quite evenhanded, noting that single parents and others in stressful situations aren't going to reap the benefits.

Takeaway - don't just have a kid to make yourself happier, it's gotta be in the right situation.

Have come far, but still so far to go

Well, studies like this are depressing, but not surprising. Since becoming a mom, I've commented that I've become a lot more sensitive to these kinds of things. Still don't know what to do about it except perhaps relocate to subsistence ranch in Montana, somewhere where we can hide from the ugliness of our culture. Unfortunately I've just learned from my mother that I come from a long, proud tradition of not terribly successful farmers so perhaps I shouldn't be pressing my luck.

Weekend Round Up

Weekend was long and decidedly mixed. I'm only going to talk about the good things for this post, and save the remainder for another post.

Thursday we met a new prospective babysitter for coffee and went out in the morning for a coffee stroll. It was a very caffeinated day! One of these days I need to write up a local guide for all the coffee joints in my local vicinity since I am fast becoming an expert. It was otherwise a very chill holiday for all three of us.

Friday we started the day early with a doctor's appointment for Munchkin since she had some weird white stuff behind her ears. Turns out it was just dry skin! We heart our doctor, he has four kids of his own and he is always very empathetic and does not pressure you out the door. On top of it, they have a new online appointment making software, which makes setting up the appointments a breeze. Way easier than trying to call the two hours in the morning the receptionist is available. He proscribed petroleum jelly and also said we should put some on her cheeks. Since she's started eating solids you can imagine she is getting her face wiped clean a lot more often! Friday afternoon, met a friend for coffee and was delighted to find a new chain coffee/bakery place has opened up right in the middle of town that has a changing table! This is nearly impossible to find in the cramped buildings in the center, so definitely going to remember that one.

Friday evening we had a planning snaffoo. We were meant to go for a friend's birthday but the babysitter had complications. Ultimately I was glad to stay home and OH went out to represent our clan to the rolling kitchens - a festival of street car food. We'd been a couple of years ago on a rainy evening and enjoyed having the thing practically to ourselves. This year OH reported it was much busier and our favorite truck, a fusion Mexican-Korean deal, was not present.

Saturday was relatively quiet. We did our weekly shop at the market for food, and in the afternoon were meant to meet up with a friend and her baby. Alas she had a big brain fart and completely forgot but it all turned out in the end. I took Munchkin for a stroll around the neighborhood and we got to check out the street festival happening nearby to celebrate a big road renovation near us that was recently completed. This included music and booths of people selling stuff and the like. Munchkin loved the music! She was bopping along and basically being criminally cute, staring and smiling at people. I'm trying to soak this all up now because I suspect the next stage of her development will produce behavior that will be anything but cute. On top of this I walked by (drum roll please) a Vietnamese restaurant that's opened up near us! So exciting. We tried a couple dishes, thanks to OH's volunteering to cycle over and pick it up. They were okay. It was very warm however so we didn't really get to do the true litmus test of their pho.

Sunday we met with our friends C&D and their little baby girl T for brunch. Munchkin decided not to nap very much all day which meant we had a very fuss Moo on our hands by the end of the day. On top of this, OH started catching her cold from the week before so he was also not feeling great. Poor hubs pretty much gets every single cold Munchkin catches from the creche. I would say I get about one in every three. I suppose the germs here are more similar to those in the US, or perhaps I'm still enjoying extra strong mommy immunity. Either way, I don't look a gift horse in the mouth. It's hard because as OH said, you can't take the day off from being a parent so if you're not deathly ill, your mommy/daddy day remains fixed in the calendar. We skyped with parents and then fussy Munchkin ended our day early as we tried to wrestle her off to sleep land.

Potty Training - for parents and baby

Firstly - holy crap, totally forgot to write yesterday! Sorry about that. It was a holiday here. We spent the whole day not doing very much at all. We wandered down the street to get coffee. We saw some really interesting buildings just a couple street downs from the one we live on that we had totally, never, ever knew existed. How crazy is that! It is several flats in a row all designed in the architecture of a different country. The link there is in Dutch but I think the pictures are more relevant anyways. Isn't it fun how you stumble onto new amazing things about the place you live in?

Most of the day we just hung out with the Munchkin. As Fridays are my mommy days, I've decided this four day block is the perfect chance to start a new parenting project: potty "training". In China in many communities they don't put nappies on their babies. They just train them to go at certain times. Granted they also just hold them out over the street in some rural areas, so they obviously have a different society and infrastructure more catering to this type of potty training, but I am still intrigued. Some friends of ours doing cloth nappies have taught their daughter to do poos on the potty every morning and evening. Not that nappies aren't required during the day, but I figure every little bit helps.

So we are starting a similar regime here at House AiA. Yesterday we began what I hope will become part of the morning and evening routines. Munchkin woke up, we took her to the changing table and when we had her nappy off, we sat her on the baby potty and made weeing sounds. Oh the things you do as a parent. And this is just the tip of the iceberg! She sat there a little stunned and then started to cry. I don't think she's keen on the cool plastic against her bum.

In the evening the kid desperately needed a bath, so before going in the bath, we sat her naked little bum on the potty again. Lo and behold, she did a little wee! You would have thought this kid had just found the cure for cancer, we were so jubilant. This morning: tears again. I suppose at some point I should actually read up on how exactly you are supposed to go about this but for now if I can just get the parents in the habit of doing it, we will already be further along. 

Sometimes People Suck

Blogs are sometimes soapboxes from whence we allow ourselves the small indulgence of venting about annoying crap. The past couple of days I've experienced obnoxious behavior from people while trying to a favor for others. First instance was last night. Our friends across the street are trying to sell their flat and there was an open house planned for the whole city (this is how they do them here in Amsterdam, there is one about once a month) last evening. They needed to get the kids out of the house and we said it was no problem to bring them over to ours. They have two little boys, 2 and 4. I thought they were very well behaved for their ages. Of course our downstairs neighbor didn't agree. When our friend, the mama of the two boys, went to fetch some food for the adults, he accosted her on her way up the stairs and spend a couple minutes being very rude and aggressive about how it was not normal that the children were stomping & running around the flat. First of all, hello, they are little kids, what the (beep!) do you know about it anyways? Second, and what really, really gets me mad, is that he is only a rude, aggressive (beep!) to women. He is a bully and probably a bit of a misogynist. THAT makes me want to round kick him in the gut every time I see him. Unfortunately, nothing happens if he is a d***, and I will get police sanction if I give him a well deserved upper cut + right hook combination on behalf of all women.

Second irritating thing, this is fortunately a smaller annoyance: plannin' stuff. I plan stuff. I've gotten experience at it so I am efficient. I enjoy it, but it can be a mixed bag when it comes to collaborating with people. For a very good friend we are planning her hen's night (bachelorette party). She runs in many circles so there are a bunch of us who volunteered to help out. We also only got around to it very late so time is of the essence. Those of you who've ever planning anything as a group know that volunteering to help means different things to different people. Ideally I like to meet everyone so we can just lay it out there - who has how much time and can do what, but there isn't time for it with this one. There are people who basically just sit there, do nothing, and then show up and get credit. Everyone hates these kinds of people. I don't tolerate them - I assign stuff for people to do and hound them until they either: admit they won't do it or actually do it. In this case half the folks who originally said they wanted to help ultimately can't come. I guess that's a resolution of the issue to some degree! In the end all that matters is that the hen's night is sufficiently awesome. 

Weekend Roundup

So our weekend started off with a thrill when our little one scared the crap out of us on Thursday night. Have you ever heard of spaspatic croup? Neither had we. Munchkin woke up coughing and crying in a different way, sounding like she was gasping for air. How greatful am I for an awesome 24/7 doctor hotline? We were able to connect with someone in our area in a minute, describe the situation, and get what we think was 100% spot on diagnosis of what had just happened. Apparently this can happen in babies quite often. I love the description you get on the Dutch medical sights, because this is exactly what we experienced. Sorry I'm too lazy to translate, but really it's the first sentences that crack me up: "The first instance of croup is often an exciting event for parents. An incidence nearly always happens in the same way"

Wat zijn de verschijnselen van pseudokroep?

Een eerste aanval van pseudokroep is voor ouders vaak spannend om mee te maken. Een aanval verloopt bijna altijd op dezelfde manier.

• Uw kind is niet ziek, soms alleen verkouden.
• ’s Avonds of ‘s nachts wordt het huilend wakker. Uw kind is dan benauwd.
• Bij het inademen hoort u een gierend geluid.
• Uw kind heeft een luide blafhoest en is soms hees.
• De temperatuur is normaal of hooguit rond de 38 graden.

This put us at ease and there has been no recurrance since then. Friday we had a big day, Munchy slept through most of a morning meet up (again) but we caught about the last half hour of it, then met with another potential babysitter. We then strolled up the park to meet with our friends C and her little one T for pancakes. Munchkin enjoyed her lunch but enjoyed the fatty pancake a lot more.

Saturday we did a quick version of our usual shop and then spent the whole afternoon/early evening at our friend's birthday BBQ. We had a really nice time and were very appreciative that they let us come early since we were unable to stay very late with the Munchkin's schedule. Munchkin is game at trying most foods but she will only eat more of what she likes. Imagine my surprise when she adored the guacamole! She doesn't like avocado on its own or mashed in general but she liked this.

Sunday was mother's day and we had lovely if chilly weather. I've already written about my fabulous first mama's day and the inevitable second chapter of the guacamole enjoyed the day before. We met up with our friend M and Z again and then had a good, long skype with the parents. Need to make skype time a priority, but it's challenging when Sunday afternoons are also prime going-out time as a family and Munchkin doesn't take late evening calls.

Happy Belated Mothers Day to.. uh... Myself.

Okay I should normally have weekend round up, and it will come rest assured. Both work and non-work life are a bit busy today. Fortunately OH is not as lame as I am, and has produced many awesome photos, two of which I feel capture Mother's day in a nut shell, and how it is awesome. OH gave me the best gift one can get on their first Mother's day: a lie in until 10am and he changed a massive. guacamole poo blow-out nappy.

Flying Munchkin! Munchkin is going to be disappointed when she finds out neither of her parents like roller coasters, cuz she is a clear natural for them.

Love this picture - looks like we're chatting over coffee. I hope we can have this picture taken every year, perhaps when she is actually talking....

Friday Munchkin Photo Shoot

OH posted this already on Facebook.. I'm afraid he started calling her the Monster and it's starting to stick...

Sigh, baby sunglasses!

As your child gets older they enjoy different kinds of toys. We are fortunate that our friend M has lots of toys (and clothes!) that she doesn't need anymore, including this amazing contraption. I think the picture pretty much capture's the Munchkin's response to it.

Even with many fancy toys, clapping together is still an all time favorite, with our lovely friend M.

I am cautiously optimistic the blue eyes will stay

Z is M's beautiful little girl, such a wonderful personality! Here she is sharing her favorite "toy" with Munchkin. :)

Challenges in introducing foods to baby: dinner gets awfully close to bedtime

Munchy is still a big fan of the beard.

And yes, at 8+ mo, we are still using the wrap for short spurts - shopping in particular. But we certainly didn't think our big girl would still be able to fall asleep in it!

Daddy day: OH hanging with the older crowd, E and their lovely daughter N. 

Seeing the World Through Mom-Colored Glasses

Last night we watched NIM - no not the Secret of, but the documentary by the BBC on the self-named chimp. He was the subject of an experiment to see if chimpanzees could be taught sign language by immersion* into human society right from birth . It was a really beautifully crafted story, and very heart rendering, seeing how this animal was at the mercy of human whims from its very birth. I won't give away the whole plot here, but suffice it to say Nim didn't have an easy life for a good part of it.

I think I would have related and felt empathy for the chimp before becoming a parent, but even so far from the birth itself, I felt all those emotions in triplicate. It's hard to explain how you can be the same person yet completely changed by having a kiddo. In general I cannot watch violence of any kind in tv or film unless it is very obviously stylized and fake. Definitely nothing that depicts harming children. Apparently not even human children!


* A nice tangent from yesterday's topic!

Do You Speak My Language

Learning another language is sadly something that doesn't really happen to a lot of people in the US, unless you are a new arrival and your family still speaks or belongs to a community of recent immigrants who speak that language. I don't think I ever expected to learn Dutch but now that I've been here a ridiculously long time it feels absolutely second nature. Still however, I learned the language late in life and so I found this study very vindicating. The findings really echo my own experience with any of the languages I have learned (or forgotten! Oh, poor Spanish.). Learning the rules of grammar never helped me beyond the first introduction. It also gives poor Munchkin a bit of slack since I no longer feel the burning need to put her into Mandarin lessons at age 10 mo.

And apparently I should be thinking in Dutch whenever I have an important decision to make. Perhaps not to write poetry, but definitely to figure out my taxes.

All that time I used to waste sleeping....

Last night Munchkin and I had our first woman to woman talk! Or at least I assume that is why she was up at 3am chattering away last night/this morning. Only a full belly stills her mind, hopefully that's not a sign she is going to become an emotional eater. ;)

Actually I was up anyways with my own thoughts. Life is not always sunshine and giggles* and there is some political unpleasantness working its way through at my place of work. That happens in business and it happens in particular during harder times. On top of that we finally sat down and looked at our vacation plans, which were vast and grand, and had to sadly conclude that the reality needed to be a bit more paired down. In particular we had been toying with a last minute trip to the US in the summer. Instead we are going to start experimenting with cheaper, closer, and shorter trips, as well as trying to call more often to speak with family when the Munchkin is actually awake. Them's the breaks when you live far away from family! You unfortunately can't have it all.  I would like to invest in something that would make our video calls better quality but I don't know we can afford our own private DLS or satellite just yet.


*though we are enjoying a surplus of baby giggles just now. Not so much sunshine...

Weekend Round Up

Oh so nice to be in Amsterdam for a full, glorious weekend! Even though things started out a bit unpredictable. Thursday OH went out to play poker (he won, thanks for asking) and I flew solo with Munchkin. She's had a rough week on the sleep front, seems to be a(nother) growth/development spurt as she is now doing all sorts of new and exciting things which I'll bore y'all about surely later on this week. She woke up a few times but it was not the baby who woke me up at 11:30 at night but the doorbell. Thinking it might be OH forgetting/losing keys but more likely "pesky kids", I went down and asked who it was through the speaker. Lo and behold the voice of a completely random stranger on the other end, stating her name and sounding very much like she thought she was expected. Being only half awake I had to ask her to repeat everything, and at the same time I heard OH down below. A few moments later he came up the stairs (solo thank god). Turns out she was looking for the brothel just down the street from us! Interesting that this hasn't happened before to be honest.

Friday we had lots of plans, all of which Munchkin slept through. She got fussy just as we were supposed to leave and fell asleep shortly thereafter at about the time we were supposed to arrive at a friends for brunch. It's funny a few months ago I would have just pushed along but it feels like as they get older these nap things become less negotiable. When your kiddo misses a nap, no one is happy. And it's not like when they are tiny babies who don't have a schedule at all and will sleep at any hour. Now she is basically only going to sleep twice in a day and you don't want to miss the golden window of nap opportunity. Hell, I know I wouldn't miss a nap for myself these days! So that sucked. But then on top of that the little stinker precious angel fell asleep AGAIN in the afternoon right when I was trying to reschedule the first meet up and see other friends. Still managed to get a late call from our very good friends right in the neighborhood for a quick stroll around the park. Sadly they're planning to move back to Australia (well, evidently they decided that was too close to civilization so they are actually going to Tasmania!). We will miss our casual meetups! In the evening OH came to relieve me and I went out with lady friends for very excellent Turkish food nearby.

Saturday we did a very normal Saturday bunch of things, after a long family lie in. We shopped for food at the market, and in the afternoon went out for a stroll. In the evening we had the luxury of a babysitter and went to a housewarming party of a friend. How pleasant is it to have a nice, normal routine you enjoy?

Sunday OH gave me the most wonderful gift you can give your spouse when you have small children: the gift of a lie in. I actually slept so much I got to a point when I could not sleep anymore. This happens so rarely I can only recall one other occasion on which it's happened this year. I have a pretty awesome hubs. I made uitsmijters for breakfast. If you don't know what this is, basically it's Fancy Local Named Eggs +. AKA, fried eggs over melted cheese and ham on toast. Generally in quantities enough to make you want to explode. Munchkin enjoyed a bit of egg but mostly stuffing bread into her mouth. We almost made it out for a walk in the morning but were foiled again by naps. The kid has only recently started napping so perhaps we just don't have our napping-schedule feet just yet. We did finally manage to get over to a friends and then walk down to a cafe to meet up with another friend very briefly. How lovely to have non-parent friends who are lovely and understanding of your crappy parent/schedule-less-ness, as we were pretty late. 

Syndicated!!

Sort of! If you look really, really carefully. Way down. No, further down. Bit further, few more clicks through, and.... there I am! I've been part of a ground swell organization from very early days called Amsterdam Mamas. I feel very passionately about the group - I love the founding mamas and quite a few are friends. And it is indeed a really good community and resource for expat mamas. When the site was getting ready to launch I mentioned I had a blog and was writing about having just had a kiddo. So you will maybe in the near future see some logo-age about this. I figure the stuff is buried down there far enough I don't anticipate getting a lot of passer-bys because of it. I'm glad to be able to help out.

This is my first baby step to opening up what has always been a personal letter that happens to be totally out on the web. I've enjoyed up until now the relative secrecy that is being the lone voice hidden among the sea of other voices which make up the internet.